Posted on by roniscales

Loyal to the Soil or Stuck in the Dirt?

person holding a green plant
Photo by Akil Mazumder on Pexels.com

I just feel like…we need to make sure our loyalty has a limit.

OK, I know what it sounds like, but just hear me out. When we think of the word “loyalty,” we always think of an unending devotion to someone or something. We consider ourselves loyal to our careers, our passions, our families, our lovers. But what if I told you that perhaps your loyalty needs a limit?

Still not hearing me? Ok let me give you an example…

Has anyone ever made you look like a fool? I mean they made you look like THEE BooBoo the Fool? (s/o to Megan for THEE idea). You were loyal to this person, this business, this career, this family, this…ok you get my drift…and they just left you looking like a big dummy.

You trusted them, they trusted you (or so you thought), you confided in them, and they kept your secrets (or so you thought). You supported the business (meaning actual financial transactions, not the homeboy/homegirl hookup), and they in turn gave you their best business (or so you thought). You put in overtime day after day and volunteered to do extra behind the scenes only to be looked over when it came time for a promotion. And what’s worse is that some BRAND NEW clout chaser  person got the promotion over you. How dare they?! This isn’t how this is supposed to go. You’re supposed to stay down to come up…right?

We’re taught from a young age (especially in the black community) to stay faithful, stay loyal, and stay down to come up later. But maybe this isn’t the case as we get older. And before you trifling people say amen, I’m not speaking on relationships, so ya better stay faithful. I’m not responsible for you misconstruing my words to fit your hoe-tivities. What I’m saying is that maybe our loyalty shouldn’t be the end all be all.

During the course of my 29 years I have had more than a few experiences in which I was made to feel stupid for being loyal. The behavior that followed me leaving a situation that no longer served me, showed me that I was actually the only loyal party in the situation from jump. You walk away from a situation that was toxic for you (for whatever reason) and that person talks about you like a DOG, and you’re thinking “daaaaaang, sis/bro tell me how you really feel!” LOL Which is crazy to me, because the way EYE was raised, even when you fall out with someone, when there’s a certain number of years, a certain foundation of “friendship” that was laid, you do NOT talk down on them or the situation because that ain’t even cute. People that just met me in the last year or so or have no home training, I understand…but when you’ve known someone for A WHILE…you know better. But that’s another blog post for another day. Yikes.

The Oxford dictionary says that to be loyal means “giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution.” The thing about that constant support is that it must be reciprocated. I used to believe that loyalty meant staying down NO MATTER WHAT! But with life comes experience, and these experiences have taught me that the only person in your life that should have unconditional loyalty is yourself. And that’s not on a selfish tip, it’s on a “I’m not going to give energy or life to things that no longer serve me” tip.

So if you have a friend, family member, lover, supervisor, business you patronize, or ANYTHING that you have been loyal to for a while, do a personal audit. Yes you are loyal to them, but are they loyal to you? List what you’ve been giving your energy to and compare it to what gives you good energy in return. These lists may change over time. Different phases of our lives require different sources of energy, and THAT’S OK! But what’s NOT ok is anyone attempting to make you feel bad for not being “loyal to the soil” just to end up stuck in the dirt.

“He said, “A farmer went out to plant his seed. He scattered the seed on the ground. Some fell on a path. Birds came and ate it up. Some seed fell on rocky places, where there wasn’t much soil. The plants came up quickly, because the soil wasn’t deep. When the sun came up, it burned the plants. They dried up because they had no roots. Other seed fell among thorns. The thorns grew up and crowded out the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil. It produced a crop 100, 60, or 30 times more than what was planted. Those who have ears should listen and understand.” –Matthew 13:1-9.

Posted on by roniscales · 1 Comment

The Price of Peace.

I just feel like…I’m willing to pay the price for peace, no matter the cost.

First off, I haven’t posted in a while, had some major life/career changes, and a death in my immediate family, so I definitely took the time to recalibrate my center. But I’m back because I got some unexpected inspiration. I was casually scrolling Instagram last night and saw a post that literally jumped out at me. The post read as follows:

“Letting someone create a false narrative of you is a small price to pay for having rid yourself of their toxicity. Let them say what they want, if you and the most high know the truth, your life will flourish and their lies will rot theirs.”

I reposted it to my Instagram story because it spoke to me and I figured it could speak to someone else as well. And boy did I underestimate its resonance with my friends. I received quite a few “yesssss girl” and “PREACH GIRL!” messages from my friends and it made me kind of sad. Not because I didn’t want people to relate, but it seemed like damn near everyone had a story to tell about someone who was once close at a point in life attempting to tarnish their name…with lies. I had to add the lie addendum because it’s a key factor.

Let’s be clear. I will never discourage ANYone from speaking truth, no matter how unpleasant it may sound. The truth is the truth, and there’s nothing anyone can do to change it if it has happened. But once that truth becomes infected with lies to embellish the story, or to paint yourself in a better light, the situation has gotten completely out of hand.

Have you ever ended a friendship with someone because you two grew apart, or that person did something to betray your trust? Have you ever ended a relationship with someone due to abuse, lack of trust, or just plain incompatibility? Have you ever cut ties with a company because that entity no longer aligned with you and your goals? Have you ever created distance with a family member because of a blow-up? Chances are you have, because these are things that just happen. Life takes us on certain paths, we experience what we need to experience, and when the lesson is over, we keep it moving. But while keeping it moving, has it ever gotten back to you that the friend, that ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend, that boss, or that family member is bad mouthing you with stories you hadn’t even heard about your own damn self? Unfortunately, chances are also yes, you have experienced this.

When I first hear of lies being spoken about me, it’s easy to sit here and pretend to be Gandhi. I can pretend that I was born the bigger person. I can even say that I immediately pray for any and everyone who bad mouths me. But those would all be lies. I am a recovering petty spaghetti. I’m 5’2, 117 lbs, and I’ve always been the tiniest, but fiercest person in any group. I’m the oldest child, so I’m naturally a protector, not only of others, but also of myself and my feelings. So you can imagine my reaction when I hear negative things regarding myself that just aren’t truthful. My initial reaction is to clap back. Imagine Rihanna on twitter circa 2012 and that will give you an idea of me in my rawest form. LOL. BUT THANK GOD FOR GROWTH!! (insert hallelujah dance right HERE!)

There isn’t enough time in the world (or a blog long enough) to tell my entire testimony. But to say I’ve been through some things, would be an understatement. I’ve had a man I thought I trusted abuse me out of anger, spite, and insecurity. This same individual turned around and painted me out to be crazy, heartless, and rude once I walked away from that relationship.  I’ve had a couple women I’ve known for years, who I’ve helped in any capacity in which they ask, completely betray my trust. And when asked about it by others, they’ve responded that I’m a bitch (because I refuse to accept the betrayal). I’ve had people I’ve worked with straight up lie to others about me to make themselves look better. I’ve even had a family member or two who have turned their backs on me because they don’t agree with choices I make regarding MY life. Any of these situations sound familiar?

No matter the person delivering these messages of lies, I’ve noticed a pattern. These people aren’t lying on you for the sake of lying or even because they have hatred in their hearts for you. These people lie on you to make THEMSELVES feel better. I don’t care who you are, you have a conscience, and most people (unless you’re a psychopath) with a conscience don’t want to be the bad guy. Humans in defense mode, will often times say or do whatever they feel is necessary to survive. And at times unfortunately other people are a casualty in the survival of their reputation.

So NOW, after experiencing a few things in life, when I hear things about myself that I KNOW FOR A FACT aren’t true, I actually DO pray for whoever delivered the message. The 3 most important people in your situation will always know the truth. You, the other person, and God. And in my opinion, if you opt to willingly spread lies about someone else just to make yourself feel better, then you probably NEED the prayers anyway. So don’t worry, and never take it personal. I won’t even respond these days, my peace is far too expensive and worth too much for me to even entertain it.  Let people talk. Besides, most of what others say about you has nothing to do with you, and EVERYTHING to do with them.