Posted on by roniscales

Quarantine, Quarantine, Quarantine

I just feel like…2020 got me messed up.

We are currently living in a time of uncertainty for many people. Prior to March of 2020, many probably had an idea of how and what their year would yield, how their season would suit up, how the month would materialize, or hell, at least how the week would work itself out. But needless to say, due to Ms. Corona, plans were changed, and some altogether cancelled.

As this novel virus runs a world tour, I’ve observed and even experienced a widespread array of emotions. I watched people around me and online go through feelings of disbelief, acceptance, humor (my favorite idc sue me), anger, sadness, hopelessness, and everything else in between.

I’ve seen users on Twitter jokingly say that 2020 is a bust and that 2021 will be their year. Although it’s just a joke, me being the person that I am, always believes there’s a little bit of truth in every joke.

My question is: Why write off a whole (fill in the blank) because of a temporary setback?

A negative thought may answer with: BECAUSE IT’S HARD OUT HERE RIGHT NOW, DAMN! Sure enough, just like this virus seemingly came out of nowhere, the end is also nowhere in sight. Let’s be honest.

Unfortunately many companies are experiencing economic hardship and are shutting down completely. This leaves so many individuals without a job, and worse than that, unable to actively seek out new employment. So you mean to tell me you’re gonna fire me and now I can’t even find a replacement job?! BET! It’s easy for a lot of people to just throw their hands up and say fuck forget it.

And don’t even get me started on home life. Households are all out of sync right now. Parents are being forced to be teachers to their bad ass adorable kids while also keeping up with their own professional responsibilities IF they have been blessed enough to retain employment. I’m sure y’all love your kids but be real…you didn’t sign up for that. Couples are arguing about the most silly things because they have cabin fever. They’re tired of looking at each other. Even the pets are getting on your nerves.

After almost 2 straight months of lockdown and social distancing, people are literally saying they are through with this shit. Through with this job, through with these kids, through with this man or woman, through with the neighbor hosting a step show while you’re having a Zoom call, JUST THROUGH OK?

I want to encourage everyone (yes even after I just cussed in this post, I’m a work in progress) not to let destruction and discouragement creep up into your homes, your hearts, or your minds. Situations and environments like these are the devils’ playground. He can’t wait for you to surrender and give up out of frustration. He can’t wait until you display the smallest evidence of doubt so he can piggyback on those negative thoughts and blow it all the way up making you believe a solution is not feasible or out of your reach. He can’t wait until you DM, text, Snapchat, or smoke signal that person “checking on their health and safety because its crazy out here” all while your wife or husband is in the shower….too real? My bad. LOL

The solution…just don’t. Don’t even crack open the door for doubt. Don’t even entertain the idea of failure. Stop toying with the idea of complacency. Don’t even distract yourself with anything that could possibly take you off track.

Do we know when this will all be over? Nope. But just as sudden as it happened, God can turn it around just that quickly. Let God drive da boat and just enjoy the ride. And maybe  he doesn’t want to turn it around, but instead divert it to an entirely new and better outcome than you could have even imagined to begin with. Let Him do his thing!

So often we are our own worst enemy. We get in our head and convince ourselves that we cannot, we are not, and that we will not. all because of what a situation currently LOOKS like. Well, I’m here to tell you (and myself) that we can, we are, and we absolutely will. It’s not what it looks like right now, it’s what you decide it ultimately will be.

 

Posted on by roniscales

Loyal to the Soil or Stuck in the Dirt?

person holding a green plant
Photo by Akil Mazumder on Pexels.com

I just feel like…we need to make sure our loyalty has a limit.

OK, I know what it sounds like, but just hear me out. When we think of the word “loyalty,” we always think of an unending devotion to someone or something. We consider ourselves loyal to our careers, our passions, our families, our lovers. But what if I told you that perhaps your loyalty needs a limit?

Still not hearing me? Ok let me give you an example…

Has anyone ever made you look like a fool? I mean they made you look like THEE BooBoo the Fool? (s/o to Megan for THEE idea). You were loyal to this person, this business, this career, this family, this…ok you get my drift…and they just left you looking like a big dummy.

You trusted them, they trusted you (or so you thought), you confided in them, and they kept your secrets (or so you thought). You supported the business (meaning actual financial transactions, not the homeboy/homegirl hookup), and they in turn gave you their best business (or so you thought). You put in overtime day after day and volunteered to do extra behind the scenes only to be looked over when it came time for a promotion. And what’s worse is that some BRAND NEW clout chaser  person got the promotion over you. How dare they?! This isn’t how this is supposed to go. You’re supposed to stay down to come up…right?

We’re taught from a young age (especially in the black community) to stay faithful, stay loyal, and stay down to come up later. But maybe this isn’t the case as we get older. And before you trifling people say amen, I’m not speaking on relationships, so ya better stay faithful. I’m not responsible for you misconstruing my words to fit your hoe-tivities. What I’m saying is that maybe our loyalty shouldn’t be the end all be all.

During the course of my 29 years I have had more than a few experiences in which I was made to feel stupid for being loyal. The behavior that followed me leaving a situation that no longer served me, showed me that I was actually the only loyal party in the situation from jump. You walk away from a situation that was toxic for you (for whatever reason) and that person talks about you like a DOG, and you’re thinking “daaaaaang, sis/bro tell me how you really feel!” LOL Which is crazy to me, because the way EYE was raised, even when you fall out with someone, when there’s a certain number of years, a certain foundation of “friendship” that was laid, you do NOT talk down on them or the situation because that ain’t even cute. People that just met me in the last year or so or have no home training, I understand…but when you’ve known someone for A WHILE…you know better. But that’s another blog post for another day. Yikes.

The Oxford dictionary says that to be loyal means “giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution.” The thing about that constant support is that it must be reciprocated. I used to believe that loyalty meant staying down NO MATTER WHAT! But with life comes experience, and these experiences have taught me that the only person in your life that should have unconditional loyalty is yourself. And that’s not on a selfish tip, it’s on a “I’m not going to give energy or life to things that no longer serve me” tip.

So if you have a friend, family member, lover, supervisor, business you patronize, or ANYTHING that you have been loyal to for a while, do a personal audit. Yes you are loyal to them, but are they loyal to you? List what you’ve been giving your energy to and compare it to what gives you good energy in return. These lists may change over time. Different phases of our lives require different sources of energy, and THAT’S OK! But what’s NOT ok is anyone attempting to make you feel bad for not being “loyal to the soil” just to end up stuck in the dirt.

“He said, “A farmer went out to plant his seed. He scattered the seed on the ground. Some fell on a path. Birds came and ate it up. Some seed fell on rocky places, where there wasn’t much soil. The plants came up quickly, because the soil wasn’t deep. When the sun came up, it burned the plants. They dried up because they had no roots. Other seed fell among thorns. The thorns grew up and crowded out the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil. It produced a crop 100, 60, or 30 times more than what was planted. Those who have ears should listen and understand.” –Matthew 13:1-9.

Posted on by roniscales · 4 Comments

First Comes Suffering, Then Comes…Marriage?

I just feel like…I shouldn’t have to look like a damn fool just to get a ring.

“I want black women to experience love that doesn’t involve suffering first and being glorified later.” – @PreMEd_BlackMed Twitter.

So I was perusing the Twitter streets (yes I still use Twitter, its the most hilarious social media platform ever, don’t debate me), and I came across this tweet. After the initial head nods and “yaaaaasssss” reactions, the “oh wow” and “damn” reactions set in (insert Wee Bey gif here).

DISCLAIMER: I am in no way, shape, or form, speaking for every single relationship, or person on this earth. I am in no way speaking about any of my own personal relationships specifically, past or present. So those feelings creeping up, yeah those…stay out of them. Thanks, management.

Now where were we? Oh yes, women getting dragged through the mud just to get a ring, women putting up with a lot to get married, gotcha.

In recent pop culture developments, a few celebrities who shall not be named have FINALLY popped the question after literally up to and over a decade of dating, not even exaggerating. They are proposing with diamonds the size of private islands and these grand gestures are usually accompanied by a speech professing their undying, unconditional love for their future wives. These speeches, however, usually all have one major component in common. They tend to go on and on about how they chose this woman because she’s been down with them forever and how they put her through hell and she somehow mustered up the courage to stick around and hold them down. This makes them “the strongest women” these men know. These engagements are normally followed by everyone (even me, sorry I’m not perfect) having an opinion, and typically not a positive one.

My question is, why must these women go through hell to be hailed as an angel and/or get a little piece of heaven? Why are the women always responsible for staying down to come up? I could be misinformed, but I rarely hear women ranting and raving about cheating on a man, having babies outside of their relationship, and basically treating him like shit overall while he just plays his position and waits for them to get their lives together. I’m not saying this doesn’t happen, I’m saying I don’t usually hear about it. I mean honestly, could you imagine women repeatedly having babies by men other than the one they’re in a relationship with and their “main boyfriend” patiently waiting his turn? HA! I laughed while typing that sentence because that’s how outrageous it sounds.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the idea of true unconditional love. I also understand that if you are building a life with someone, naturally issues will arise and hopefully you two can navigate how to get through and past those issues together. The idea is to come out on the other side of those issues stronger than you were before. But I do believe there’s a difference between issues that arise, and self-inflicted bullshit/purposely putting your partner through emotional abuse because you “know she ain’t goin nowhere”. There’s a difference between battling these issues together, and you battling deceit and public humiliation from your partner time and time again.

I’m not blaming these women. They’re only doing what society has conditioned women to do since the beginning of time, to “let a man be a man.” I mean grandfathers used to have entire families outside of their marriage and everyone is always screaming about how their grandparents are relationship goals right? It’s just unfortunate that as a society we believe that a man being a man consists of him constantly disregarding women. I just really believe and have witnessed/am currently witnessing that there are men who don’t feel the need to “test” whether you’re worthy enough to be his wife by damn near making you have a mental breakdown processing all of his shenanigans. It’s possible sis. Nobody is perfect, people mess up, but when someone repeatedly does the same thing then maybe it’s time to consider that it’s not a mistake anymore? Men are really out here acting like the game is to see who can stick around through the most bullshit and win them…yuck. LOL.

I’m not here to judge ANYBODY. I can’t even begin to imagine the motivation behind “waiting” for a man who doesn’t treat you like you deserve to be treated, so clearly I can’t judge the behavior. But I cannot imagine that the prize of spending the rest of your life with someone who didn’t truly value you during the dating process is a worthy consolation.

 

 

Posted on by roniscales · 1 Comment

The Price of Peace.

I just feel like…I’m willing to pay the price for peace, no matter the cost.

First off, I haven’t posted in a while, had some major life/career changes, and a death in my immediate family, so I definitely took the time to recalibrate my center. But I’m back because I got some unexpected inspiration. I was casually scrolling Instagram last night and saw a post that literally jumped out at me. The post read as follows:

“Letting someone create a false narrative of you is a small price to pay for having rid yourself of their toxicity. Let them say what they want, if you and the most high know the truth, your life will flourish and their lies will rot theirs.”

I reposted it to my Instagram story because it spoke to me and I figured it could speak to someone else as well. And boy did I underestimate its resonance with my friends. I received quite a few “yesssss girl” and “PREACH GIRL!” messages from my friends and it made me kind of sad. Not because I didn’t want people to relate, but it seemed like damn near everyone had a story to tell about someone who was once close at a point in life attempting to tarnish their name…with lies. I had to add the lie addendum because it’s a key factor.

Let’s be clear. I will never discourage ANYone from speaking truth, no matter how unpleasant it may sound. The truth is the truth, and there’s nothing anyone can do to change it if it has happened. But once that truth becomes infected with lies to embellish the story, or to paint yourself in a better light, the situation has gotten completely out of hand.

Have you ever ended a friendship with someone because you two grew apart, or that person did something to betray your trust? Have you ever ended a relationship with someone due to abuse, lack of trust, or just plain incompatibility? Have you ever cut ties with a company because that entity no longer aligned with you and your goals? Have you ever created distance with a family member because of a blow-up? Chances are you have, because these are things that just happen. Life takes us on certain paths, we experience what we need to experience, and when the lesson is over, we keep it moving. But while keeping it moving, has it ever gotten back to you that the friend, that ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend, that boss, or that family member is bad mouthing you with stories you hadn’t even heard about your own damn self? Unfortunately, chances are also yes, you have experienced this.

When I first hear of lies being spoken about me, it’s easy to sit here and pretend to be Gandhi. I can pretend that I was born the bigger person. I can even say that I immediately pray for any and everyone who bad mouths me. But those would all be lies. I am a recovering petty spaghetti. I’m 5’2, 117 lbs, and I’ve always been the tiniest, but fiercest person in any group. I’m the oldest child, so I’m naturally a protector, not only of others, but also of myself and my feelings. So you can imagine my reaction when I hear negative things regarding myself that just aren’t truthful. My initial reaction is to clap back. Imagine Rihanna on twitter circa 2012 and that will give you an idea of me in my rawest form. LOL. BUT THANK GOD FOR GROWTH!! (insert hallelujah dance right HERE!)

There isn’t enough time in the world (or a blog long enough) to tell my entire testimony. But to say I’ve been through some things, would be an understatement. I’ve had a man I thought I trusted abuse me out of anger, spite, and insecurity. This same individual turned around and painted me out to be crazy, heartless, and rude once I walked away from that relationship.  I’ve had a couple women I’ve known for years, who I’ve helped in any capacity in which they ask, completely betray my trust. And when asked about it by others, they’ve responded that I’m a bitch (because I refuse to accept the betrayal). I’ve had people I’ve worked with straight up lie to others about me to make themselves look better. I’ve even had a family member or two who have turned their backs on me because they don’t agree with choices I make regarding MY life. Any of these situations sound familiar?

No matter the person delivering these messages of lies, I’ve noticed a pattern. These people aren’t lying on you for the sake of lying or even because they have hatred in their hearts for you. These people lie on you to make THEMSELVES feel better. I don’t care who you are, you have a conscience, and most people (unless you’re a psychopath) with a conscience don’t want to be the bad guy. Humans in defense mode, will often times say or do whatever they feel is necessary to survive. And at times unfortunately other people are a casualty in the survival of their reputation.

So NOW, after experiencing a few things in life, when I hear things about myself that I KNOW FOR A FACT aren’t true, I actually DO pray for whoever delivered the message. The 3 most important people in your situation will always know the truth. You, the other person, and God. And in my opinion, if you opt to willingly spread lies about someone else just to make yourself feel better, then you probably NEED the prayers anyway. So don’t worry, and never take it personal. I won’t even respond these days, my peace is far too expensive and worth too much for me to even entertain it.  Let people talk. Besides, most of what others say about you has nothing to do with you, and EVERYTHING to do with them.

Posted on by roniscales · 3 Comments

What’s The Rush?

I just feel like…people are out here rushing love for no reason.

“Mama said you can’t hurry love, no, you’ll just have to wait, she said love don’t come easy, but it’s a game of give and take…”

It’s clear to me that a lot of y’all are opting to ignore what Mama said. And to that I ask, “MY GOOD SIS WHAT ARE YOU RUSHING FOR?!”

I’m a late-twenty something woman, headfirst into my career, living on my own, able to pay my own bills, and even travel on my own dime, and I know many other women in my same position. Not an unordinary situation. What does ring unordinary to me however, is when I see women in my same position try to rush and/or force love into their lives. I, too, have even been guilty of it in the past. The reason this is so puzzling to me is because I see so many beautiful women who, in my opinion, have their lives together, yet are trying to fit one last piece of the puzzle by any means necessary. That piece is a significant other.

Whether it be pressure from society, our married friends, our parents, or even just pressure from ourselves, some of us are straight up pressed for a bae. So much so, that the first guy who looks halfway decent, says everything we think we want to hear, and even mentions the “M” word, we lose our minds and immediately start imagining what style of wedding dress would look best on our body type. You never know girl, that could be your husband. Right? I mean, God may have sent him to you. Right? Everything happens for a reason, and you meeting this person wasn’t by chance.

Well I personally believe everything does happen for a reason, but sometimes the reason isn’t marriage. And that’s that on that. Do you find yourself imagining or thinking you’re going to marry EVERY guy you date? If this is the case, you may want to pump your brakes. As I mentioned before, I’m in my late twenties, closer to 30. But oddly enough, as I get older I haven’t really felt pressure due to my age to be someone’s wife. Even looking at my married friends doesn’t light a fire up under me. Not that I don’t think what they have is beautiful, because I absolutely do. And I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t think about what my own wedding would be like after experiencing theirs, but even then, it still did not encourage me to hurry up and get there. My friends are on their own journeys and I’m happy for them. True happiness for someone isn’t questioning where your own blessing is when you see someone else receiving theirs.

As far as my parents go, I’m thankful to not have any pressure from them either. I come from a large blended family. Both of my parents have had more than 1 marriage and I have a host of half siblings. I’m sure they don’t regret any part of their journey because it led them to their happiness today. But they do always encourage me to take my time and never rush, ESPECIALLY when it comes to dating and relationships. Like most people who have experienced life before us, they encourage me to learn from their mistakes and if at all possible, to do things better. Having a blended family isn’t a bad thing, but it can get tricky, so I understand that they just want me to have the best family life possible, preferably the first time around (LOL). While I understand that divorce is a part of life, I just don’t want it to be a part of MY life.  A part that can possibly be avoided altogether if I actually know my husband prior to getting married.

Pressures from society is where it gets a little cloudy for me. Let’s be clear, I don’t feel pressure from society to get married right now. Society isn’t really the best template to take tips from for life at the moment anyways, am I right? LOL But I have been in dating situations, where the person I was dating felt that pressure from society, which really ruined the relationship in my opinion. Sounds extreme right? Let me explain. Imagine trying to date someone, get to know them, their likes/dislikes, what makes them tick, their favorite meal, their fears, etc. Ok now imagine trying to do all of that with added pressure to get married damn near right away.

*SCENE*

Me: So what do you like to do for fun? I love going to the movies whenever I get free time. 

Him: Yeah the movies are cool, I’ve always imagined having a movie room in my house, maybe we can get one of those in our house so us and the kids ca-…

*END SCENE*

SKRRT SKRRT. Let me stop you right there playa. How did we get here? And where is the U-turn so we can go back to the exit right before this one. I don’t even know what you’re like when you’re angry, please, pray tell, why are you already discussing marriage, a house, a movie room, and kids with me? Does this sound familiar? Or worse, does this sound like you?

To be clear, this is not to be confused with dating with intention. I am a firm believer in dating with intention, and if your intention is to be married, by all means, date to be married. I, myself, date for marriage. But what I’m not finna do is, not going to do, is surpass all the steps before marriage and just place a man in the position of my husband without truly knowing him first. Besides, dating just to have someone there is trash, garbage, basura, poubelle, you get my point. I had a girl once tell me “Girl I’ve never been this single, I don’t even have text buddies.” My response was like…ok? I don’t even have time to text people I don’t really care about like that. LOL I barely have time to text family, friends, and a bae that I actually do care about. Small talk is annoying.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s ok to be excited about something new, hell, it’s ok to still be excited about something old. I think that’s one of the best feelings in the world honestly, when you first start dating a man, and he’s all you can think about, the scent of his cologne is damn near hypnotizing because he smells that good. You go back and forth with your girlfriends about how you should handle it because it’s new and you don’t want to blow it. HAHA. Good times. Great times actually.

But it’s important to not rush the LOVE and more importantly, marriage. New bae is great, keep that same energy for the duration of the relationship. But as I discussed in my last blog post, whirlwind romances have the potential to crash just as swiftly as they started, so proceed with caution. Date, have fun, experience new things with this person, but take it easy. Please, for the love of everything Beyoncé, stop posting every guy you date on social media. Relax sis. Any time I would run to my Grammy, (may she rest in peace) with news about a new crush and how he was so perfect, she would say to me “Roni please, you haven’t even seen him through all of the seasons.” And baby when I tell you, I didn’t understand then, but as I got older that word PREACHED! When she referred to the seasons, she was referring to a full year, winter, spring, summer, and autumn. But my Grammy was like Jay-Z in the sense that there were always 2, and even 3 different meanings to almost every word she’d spit. I hadn’t seen these men in different seasons of life. I didn’t see them in the struggling season, in the financially insufficient season (and I’m praying to God I won’t ever have to see my husband in this particular season, amen thank ya Jesus LOL). I never saw these men in the jealous season, I didn’t see them in the insecure season, I didn’t see them in the angry season. I only saw the happy season, the trying to impress me season, maybe even the trickin season? LOL ok let me get serious (joking, kinda, maybe not, man idk).

While we are so busy trying to find the missing component we believe is missing from our almost perfect lives, love, it’s easy to miss the fact that we actually already have it. We have it in our families, however dysfunctional that love may be, it’s there girl. LOL We have love from our friends, the best kind. But ya’ll already know how I feel about that friendship love. And even if you feel that you don’t have love from either of these other outlets, you SHOULD have love inside of yourself. You should love yourself enough to not make decisions based on loneliness because girl, if you TRULY love yourself you may be alone but you shouldn’t be lonely. Don’t give in to desperation. What’s yours is always yours, and you won’t have to rush it.