friendship – I Just Feel Like…

Posted on October 30, 2019October 30, 2019 by roniscales

Loyal to the Soil or Stuck in the Dirt?

person holding a green plant — Photo by Akil Mazumder on Pexels.com

I just feel like…we need to make sure our loyalty has a limit.

OK, I know what it sounds like, but just hear me out. When we think of the word “loyalty,” we always think of an unending devotion to someone or something. We consider ourselves loyal to our careers, our passions, our families, our lovers. But what if I told you that perhaps your loyalty needs a limit?

Still not hearing me? Ok let me give you an example…

Has anyone ever made you look like a fool? I mean they made you look like THEE BooBoo the Fool? (s/o to Megan for THEE idea). You were loyal to this person, this business, this career, this family, this…ok you get my drift…and they just left you looking like a big dummy.

You trusted them, they trusted you (or so you thought), you confided in them, and they kept your secrets (or so you thought). You supported the business (meaning actual financial transactions, not the homeboy/homegirl hookup), and they in turn gave you their best business (or so you thought). You put in overtime day after day and volunteered to do extra behind the scenes only to be looked over when it came time for a promotion. And what’s worse is that some BRAND NEW ~~clout chaser~~ person got the promotion over you. How dare they?! This isn’t how this is supposed to go. You’re supposed to stay down to come up…right?

We’re taught from a young age (especially in the black community) to stay faithful, stay loyal, and stay down to come up later. But maybe this isn’t the case as we get older. And before you trifling people say amen, I’m not speaking on relationships, so ya better stay faithful. I’m not responsible for you misconstruing my words to fit your hoe-tivities. What I’m saying is that maybe our loyalty shouldn’t be the end all be all.

During the course of my 29 years I have had more than a few experiences in which I was made to feel stupid for being loyal. The behavior that followed me leaving a situation that no longer served me, showed me that I was actually the only loyal party in the situation from jump. You walk away from a situation that was toxic for you (for whatever reason) and that person talks about you like a DOG, and you’re thinking “daaaaaang, sis/bro tell me how you really feel!” LOL Which is crazy to me, because the way EYE was raised, even when you fall out with someone, when there’s a certain number of years, a certain foundation of “friendship” that was laid, you do NOT talk down on them or the situation because that ain’t even cute. People that just met me in the last year or so or have no home training, I understand…but when you’ve known someone for A WHILE…you know better. But that’s another blog post for another day. ~~Yikes.~~

The Oxford dictionary says that to be loyal means “giving or showing firm and constant support or allegiance to a person or institution.” The thing about that constant support is that it must be reciprocated. I used to believe that loyalty meant staying down NO MATTER WHAT! But with life comes experience, and these experiences have taught me that the only person in your life that should have unconditional loyalty is yourself. And that’s not on a selfish tip, it’s on a “I’m not going to give energy or life to things that no longer serve me” tip.

So if you have a friend, family member, lover, supervisor, business you patronize, or ANYTHING that you have been loyal to for a while, do a personal audit. Yes you are loyal to them, but are they loyal to you? List what you’ve been giving your energy to and compare it to what gives you good energy in return. These lists may change over time. Different phases of our lives require different sources of energy, and THAT’S OK! But what’s NOT ok is anyone attempting to make you feel bad for not being “loyal to the soil” just to end up stuck in the dirt.

“He said, “A farmer went out to plant his seed. He scattered the seed on the ground. Some fell on a path. Birds came and ate it up. Some seed fell on rocky places, where there wasn’t much soil. The plants came up quickly, because the soil wasn’t deep. When the sun came up, it burned the plants. They dried up because they had no roots. Other seed fell among thorns. The thorns grew up and crowded out the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil. It produced a crop 100, 60, or 30 times more than what was planted. Those who have ears should listen and understand.” –Matthew 13:1-9.

Posted on October 22, 2018 by roniscales · 1 Comment

The Price of Peace.

I just feel like…I’m willing to pay the price for peace, no matter the cost.

First off, I haven’t posted in a while, had some major life/career changes, and a death in my immediate family, so I definitely took the time to recalibrate my center. But I’m back because I got some unexpected inspiration. I was casually scrolling Instagram last night and saw a post that literally jumped out at me. The post read as follows:

“Letting someone create a false narrative of you is a small price to pay for having rid yourself of their toxicity. Let them say what they want, if you and the most high know the truth, your life will flourish and their lies will rot theirs.”

I reposted it to my Instagram story because it spoke to me and I figured it could speak to someone else as well. And boy did I underestimate its resonance with my friends. I received quite a few “yesssss girl” and “PREACH GIRL!” messages from my friends and it made me kind of sad. Not because I didn’t want people to relate, but it seemed like damn near everyone had a story to tell about someone who was once close at a point in life attempting to tarnish their name…with lies. I had to add the lie addendum because it’s a key factor.

Let’s be clear. I will never discourage ANYone from speaking truth, no matter how unpleasant it may sound. The truth is the truth, and there’s nothing anyone can do to change it if it has happened. But once that truth becomes infected with lies to embellish the story, or to paint yourself in a better light, the situation has gotten completely out of hand.

Have you ever ended a friendship with someone because you two grew apart, or that person did something to betray your trust? Have you ever ended a relationship with someone due to abuse, lack of trust, or just plain incompatibility? Have you ever cut ties with a company because that entity no longer aligned with you and your goals? Have you ever created distance with a family member because of a blow-up? Chances are you have, because these are things that just happen. Life takes us on certain paths, we experience what we need to experience, and when the lesson is over, we keep it moving. But while keeping it moving, has it ever gotten back to you that the friend, that ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend, that boss, or that family member is bad mouthing you with stories you hadn’t even heard about your own damn self? Unfortunately, chances are also yes, you have experienced this.

When I first hear of lies being spoken about me, it’s easy to sit here and pretend to be Gandhi. I can pretend that I was born the bigger person. I can even say that I immediately pray for any and everyone who bad mouths me. But those would all be lies. I am a recovering petty spaghetti. I’m 5’2, 117 lbs, and I’ve always been the tiniest, but fiercest person in any group. I’m the oldest child, so I’m naturally a protector, not only of others, but also of myself and my feelings. So you can imagine my reaction when I hear negative things regarding myself that just aren’t truthful. My initial reaction is to clap back. Imagine Rihanna on twitter circa 2012 and that will give you an idea of me in my rawest form. LOL. BUT THANK GOD FOR GROWTH!! (insert hallelujah dance right HERE!)

There isn’t enough time in the world (or a blog long enough) to tell my entire testimony. But to say I’ve been through some things, would be an understatement. I’ve had a man I thought I trusted abuse me out of anger, spite, and insecurity. This same individual turned around and painted me out to be crazy, heartless, and rude once I walked away from that relationship. I’ve had a couple women I’ve known for years, who I’ve helped in any capacity in which they ask, completely betray my trust. And when asked about it by others, they’ve responded that I’m a bitch (because I refuse to accept the betrayal). I’ve had people I’ve worked with straight up lie to others about me to make themselves look better. I’ve even had a family member or two who have turned their backs on me because they don’t agree with choices I make regarding MY life. Any of these situations sound familiar?

No matter the person delivering these messages of lies, I’ve noticed a pattern. These people aren’t lying on you for the sake of lying or even because they have hatred in their hearts for you. These people lie on you to make THEMSELVES feel better. I don’t care who you are, you have a conscience, and most people (unless you’re a psychopath) with a conscience don’t want to be the bad guy. Humans in defense mode, will often times say or do whatever they feel is necessary to survive. And at times unfortunately other people are a casualty in the survival of their reputation.

So NOW, after experiencing a few things in life, when I hear things about myself that I KNOW FOR A FACT aren’t true, I actually DO pray for whoever delivered the message. The 3 most important people in your situation will always know the truth. You, the other person, and God. And in my opinion, if you opt to willingly spread lies about someone else just to make yourself feel better, then you probably NEED the prayers anyway. So don’t worry, and never take it personal. I won’t even respond these days, my peace is far too expensive and worth too much for me to even entertain it. Let people talk. Besides, most of what others say about you has nothing to do with you, and EVERYTHING to do with them.

Posted on August 31, 2018September 5, 2018 by roniscales · 2 Comments

What About Your Friends?

I just feel like..my friends, my friends, are better than your friends.

Date: August 16th, Time: 3ish in the morning, Location: Undisclosed hospital in Houston.

I woke up in a foreign bed. I was in a room with ugly but clean tan walls, a television the size of a shoe box on the wall, and weird machines making beeping noises connected to me by tubes. I was in the hospital. A place I haven’t been a stranger to for a lot of 2018. Literally since the first day of this year I’ve been in and out of the hospital for health issues, but this time was different. The other times I had driven myself, or had someone else drive me to the hospital. I was up, awake, conscious, aware of everything going on. This time I couldn’t tell you how I got there, how long I had been there, or what exactly was going on. After I was fully awake and completely brought up to date on what happened, the disbelief set in. I had almost died. The details are personal, but nevertheless, I almost lost my life in the wee hours of the night in that hospital bed.

I came home the following morning, partially upset and embarrassed because honestly my near death experience could have been avoided. I am super critical of myself so naturally I blamed myself. I wanted to shut myself out from everyone until…well I didn’t know what I was waiting for exactly, but I knew I wasn’t ready to face everything. Initially I decided to keep everything that happened between those 4 walls between myself and whoever else was there that night, but that excluded a giant part of myself…my core group of friends. I couldn’t go about my life faking it until I made it with these women. There is no faking it. They know me. They can sense when something is off, don’t ask me how, they just can. You know how you were little and you broke something in the house while your mom was at work but she already knew before you even told her? Yeah, my friends have that same super power. It gets annoying. [eye roll].

My friends. Wow. Where do I start? These crazy women. For starters, most of us met in 6th grade in Houston, Texas. But now, as late 20-somethings, we are scattered across the map literally from one coast to the other. I casually typed into the group chat what happened and rolled over attempting to start my hibernation from the world (dramatic much Roni?) I woke up a few hours later to my phone blowing up. Not anything out of the ordinary. Of course any good friend would check up on their buddy after they get out of the hospital. I responded sporadically, when I felt like it. Remember I was determined to tackle this by myself, I’m a strong, independent woman, and I didn’t need no…friends? Yes that felt ridiculous typing out so I know it was ridiculous to read. lol Back to me being superwoman.

I was straight up ignoring most of them. I wasn’t ready to talk. Very water sign-like behavior. I finally caved in and answered the phone, giving just enough information to keep the savages off my back. Shortly after, I got a text from one of these lovely ladies advising me to let her know when I was ready for company because she was waiting at my door. I looked at my phone in disbelief, like no this girl did not just invite herself over to MY place. My cocoon. My safe place where I would be spending the rest of an undetermined amount of time. So I go to my door, open it, and she just comes waltzing in. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, 5 more friends piled in after her. Turns out, my friends got into formation from California to New York and had the Texas squad pull up on me. THE NERVE!

I played it cool for as long as I could but as soon as the first one hugged me, I completely lost it. I think we must have back and forth hugged while I cried for at least 5 minutes straight. My bulletproof armor fell all the way off and I was just the vulnerable, awkward, skinny 11 year old girl they met in the 6th grade. SIXTH GRADE! Not many people can say they have 1 of 2 friends from childhood, let alone 14. 14 women who would literally drop everything they’re doing to check on little old me. I can’t lie, it felt good because at the very time I had never felt more alone I was reminded that I was far from it. The entire weekend, they were there. I went to the gym, they were at the gym. I went to sleep, one was in my bed. I decided to chill and hang with my dog, they came and brought their dogs. I decided to have a movie day, they showed up with popcorn, chocolate, and enough wine to feed the southwest side of Houston, Texas. They successfully inserted themselves into every aspect of my life for about 3 days straight, before we all had to go back to being grown ups. lol

This incident just reinforced the importance of real and true SISTERHOOD. I hate when I hear women say “I don’t hang with women, they’re too messy.” I’ve got news for you sis, I hate to break it to you but it’s you…the problem is you. Women are healers. We are divine energy. We have the power to start and end wars. We bring life into this world. We are actual magic. This world stops spinning without women. None of us would be here without…exactly, WOMEN.

And MY tribe? One of a kind. Aside from them completely dominating their respective professional fields, they are kind, giving, SELFLESS, amazing, and IRREPLACEABLE. They’ve been by my side through the good times like new careers, personal milestones, and self discovery. They’ve also been by my side through the bad times like breakups, miscarriages, and self-doubt brought on by the former. And more important than just being by my side, they never switched up on me, EVER. Do we get on each other’s GOT DAMN nerves sometimes? Absolutely. But we are honest and loyal to one another. You will never catch us speaking ill of another to someone outside of the group, and we have no problem telling each other exactly how we feel (Our GroupMe chat is proof of this LOLOLOLOL). Another H-Town queen said it best “they pray pray for me, see better things for me, want better days for me.” She also said “my friends are goals, your friends are foes.” When I tell you guys, I felt that IN MY SOUL! Actually, just go listen to the entire “Friends” song by The Carters right now. THAT’S us.

Were they the only ones who came through for me that night, the next day, and the following weekend? No. But that’s another blog post for another time. 🙂 If you have a group of women around you, love on them. Be patient with them. As women often times we have patience with men, our careers, our kids, but then neglect our friends or never really give them their flowers. We choose other people and things over our friends, taking them for granted, assuming that they’ll always be there because that’s their job, they’re supposed to be there for me. But the truth of the matter is friends don’t HAVE to do anything for us, they’re with us because they CHOOSE to be there. We don’t pick our families (Lord, again, another blog post LOL), but we choose our friends and every day they choose us. Let’s keep each other lifted up, check on each other, LOVE EACH OTHER. Love through friendship is some of the most genuine love there is and I’m thankful every day and indebted for life to my squad.