I just feel like…I shouldn’t have to look like a damn fool just to get a ring.

“I want black women to experience love that doesn’t involve suffering first and being glorified later.” – @PreMEd_BlackMed Twitter.

So I was perusing the Twitter streets (yes I still use Twitter, its the most hilarious social media platform ever, don’t debate me), and I came across this tweet. After the initial head nods and “yaaaaasssss” reactions, the “oh wow” and “damn” reactions set in (insert Wee Bey gif here).

DISCLAIMER: I am in no way, shape, or form, speaking for every single relationship, or person on this earth. I am in no way speaking about any of my own personal relationships specifically, past or present. So those feelings creeping up, yeah those…stay out of them. Thanks, management.

Now where were we? Oh yes, women getting dragged through the mud just to get a ring, women putting up with a lot to get married, gotcha.

In recent pop culture developments, a few celebrities who shall not be named have FINALLY popped the question after literally up to and over a decade of dating, not even exaggerating. They are proposing with diamonds the size of private islands and these grand gestures are usually accompanied by a speech professing their undying, unconditional love for their future wives. These speeches, however, usually all have one major component in common. They tend to go on and on about how they chose this woman because she’s been down with them forever and how they put her through hell and she somehow mustered up the courage to stick around and hold them down. This makes them “the strongest women” these men know. These engagements are normally followed by everyone (even me, sorry I’m not perfect) having an opinion, and typically not a positive one.

My question is, why must these women go through hell to be hailed as an angel and/or get a little piece of heaven? Why are the women always responsible for staying down to come up? I could be misinformed, but I rarely hear women ranting and raving about cheating on a man, having babies outside of their relationship, and basically treating him like shit overall while he just plays his position and waits for them to get their lives together. I’m not saying this doesn’t happen, I’m saying I don’t usually hear about it. I mean honestly, could you imagine women repeatedly having babies by men other than the one they’re in a relationship with and their “main boyfriend” patiently waiting his turn? HA! I laughed while typing that sentence because that’s how outrageous it sounds.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the idea of true unconditional love. I also understand that if you are building a life with someone, naturally issues will arise and hopefully you two can navigate how to get through and past those issues together. The idea is to come out on the other side of those issues stronger than you were before. But I do believe there’s a difference between issues that arise, and self-inflicted bullshit/purposely putting your partner through emotional abuse because you “know she ain’t goin nowhere”. There’s a difference between battling these issues together, and you battling deceit and public humiliation from your partner time and time again.

I’m not blaming these women. They’re only doing what society has conditioned women to do since the beginning of time, to “let a man be a man.” I mean grandfathers used to have entire families outside of their marriage and everyone is always screaming about how their grandparents are relationship goals right? It’s just unfortunate that as a society we believe that a man being a man consists of him constantly disregarding women. I just really believe and have witnessed/am currently witnessing that there are men who don’t feel the need to “test” whether you’re worthy enough to be his wife by damn near making you have a mental breakdown processing all of his shenanigans. It’s possible sis. Nobody is perfect, people mess up, but when someone repeatedly does the same thing then maybe it’s time to consider that it’s not a mistake anymore? Men are really out here acting like the game is to see who can stick around through the most bullshit and win them…yuck. LOL.

I’m not here to judge ANYBODY. I can’t even begin to imagine the motivation behind “waiting” for a man who doesn’t treat you like you deserve to be treated, so clearly I can’t judge the behavior. But I cannot imagine that the prize of spending the rest of your life with someone who didn’t truly value you during the dating process is a worthy consolation.