Posted on by roniscales · 3 Comments

Can’t Tell Him Nothing.

I just feel like…I don’t want anyone to love me like Kanye loves Kanye.

nar-cis-sist: noun. a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. (not to be confused with self-love, that’s totally different)

DISCLAIMER: This blog post is NOT about any of my specific relationships or ex-anythings, but rather my experiences while dating over the course of my 28 years of living. Although, if you are indeed a narcissist, you will disregard this disclaimer and believe this post is about you anyway. So I basically just wasted my time typing out this disclaimer, nevermind.

Have you ever dated a narcissist? Of course not right? A guy in the mirror more than I am? No thanks. I’m the prize in the relationship, not you boo boo. Ok but sis, what if I told you that’s not even a narcissist, that they come in all shapes and sizes, and that some don’t even own mirrors? Confused yet? Ok let me explain.

“I’ve never felt like this about someone before.”…after 2 weeks. “No one will ever love you like I do.” “I’m a really good man/catch.” “People always tell me I’m too humble.” “I’m sorry I did/said that to you, BUT I only did it because YOU (fill in the blank).” “My ex was crazy.” “You’re remembering that wrong, it didn’t happen that way.”

Do any of those phrases sound familiar? Then you MAY have dealt with and/or are dealing with a narcissist. And if you’re using these lines on people, then sis you yourself might be the narcissist. If you are one of the brave souls who always tend to end up with people like this you are probably an empath.

em-path: noun. a highly sensitive individual who has a keen ability to sense what people are thinking and feeling.

While having girl talk with girlfriends over the course of our almost 20-year friendship, there are countless stories we’ve shared about being with someone who at the time we didn’t realize were straight up narcissists. And unfortunately most women are empaths, because we’re givers, nurturers, always trying to heal, always trying to be “the one” to make a man realize his potential, the catalyst for his transformation from trifling to a stand up guy. LOL.

Now I’m not trying to come down on the guys. As I stated in my disclaimer, I can only speak from MY experience and this is MY truth. But studies DO show that male narcissists outnumber female narcissists 3 to 1…so I think it’s safe to say this is at least a few other women’s truths as well. (shrug). And its super prevalent in my generation (late 20 somethings-early 30 somethings). While reading those phrases I shared earlier in this post, I’m sure there were many head nods, “yes girls”, and other versions of amen. But the truth of the matter is that narcissism is actually a legit mental illness. Narcissists often don’t even realize (or care) that they are the way they are. Their problems with narcissism probably started where all other issues start, at home as a child. Based on my research, most, if not all, sources state that narcissists were missing a key source of love from one or both parents. For instance, a narcissist may have been rejected as a child by his mother or father. Because they weren’t emotionally fulfilled as a child, if they never deal with the hurt from this rejection, it will carry over into adulthood and adulthood relationships. They spend most of adulthood searching for this long-lasting, unconditional love, that they either never learned to have for themselves, or have a hard time recognizing because they never experienced it before, not even from mommy or daddy.

This is where empaths come in. Here you see this attractive, (seemingly) stable man come along. The beginning is a whirlwind romance, and when I say whirlwind, I mean a romance that moves at the speed of a Tyler Perry film plot. Issa fast love. Ain’t no friendship bih. He is sweeping you off your feet, doing things you used to have to beg a man to do. It’s almost as if he can read your mind, he’s so on point. Narcissists are excellent at pretending to be whatever your fantasy may be in the beginning. And attention? Girl you got that. “Good morning beautiful,” texts, phone calls, facetimes, gifts for no reason, talk of MARRIAGE because he can see himself settling down with you right away, YOU’RE DIFFERENT SIS. And you’re hyping yourself up 3 weeks into the talking stage, like “YES I KNEW MY PRINCE CHARMING WAS OUT HERE!” Narcissists’ ability to charm is out of this world. A Narcissist can sell water to a fish in a tank. It’s almost admirable the way they know all the right things to say. Almost.

After 3 weeks or a month, you may notice minor red flags, but you don’t say anything. Everyone has their issues right? Right. You’re not about to let these little things keep you from your hussssband ok? LOL. As time goes on though, you can’t help but to notice a few cracks in Prince Charming’s armor. But this is normal right? I mean, everyone puts their best foot forward in relationships at first right? You’re probably just tripping, chill girl, you’re going to lose a good man. But you can’t shake the feeling that you don’t really know this guy like you thought you did. His temper makes its first appearance when he snaps at you for something small. You excuse it, you decide to take the high road. He talks extremely negatively about other women, maybe even women you know, judging everything about them. But he’d never speak that way about you right? You’re his girl, nah he’d never do you like that. Besides, he’s probably been hurt by some awful woman from his past and just needs time and help getting over that hurt. Yes, that’s it.

Ok so boom, we’re 2 months in, and other than a few hiccups, we in this thang. You’re in a full blown relationship after just 2 months. WORK SIS! You casually mention the issues you have, and your narcissist boo of course chalks it up to his past relationships or his current circumstances (work, family, whatever). He assures you that you’re overreacting and that you guys are still good and on track. But if you guys are still on track, why are you two arguing so much, mostly from arguments started by the narcissist. They get a rush out of seeing people fight over or for them. If you don’t fight or engage in the argument, your love and loyalty for them and this relationship is brought into question. Yikes. You go to your friends for advice because you’re starting to think you’re crazy at this point. They’re shocked because they can’t believe the guy you introduced them to is even acting like this, he seemed like such a cool person. Narcissists tend to act completely different in public than they do in private. Because they are so concerned with self-image, they would honestly rather APPEAR to be a good partner/boyfriend to the outside world, than to actually BE a good partner/boyfriend to their significant other.

You decide that since your friends said he seemed cool, that maybe you are tripping. You push your doubts to the back of your mind because you’re determined to continue to work on your relationship. He just needs to let the hurt go and y’all will be just fine right? But you can’t help but notice even more red flags. He starts pointing out things about you that you can work on, things he’s not particularly fond of, but things that HE can help you to change. But he’s just trying to be a good partner right? He’s just being honest with you. Narcissists actually use this as a tactic for control. They want to exercise complete control over the relationship and over your thought process when it comes to them. They want you to believe that you need them. They’re your savior. This will arise later when you try to stand up for yourself and the narcissist reminds you of everything they’ve done for you.

So you guys have a huge blowup and you finally decide this isn’t for you. You look around yourself and realize you’re having huge altercations almost every other day and you take this as a sign of how the remainder of the relationship will be. You’ve tried, but you can’t help this one. You don’t have the ability to give this one the love HE needs, its too much for YOU. You tell your boo, well ex-boo already in your mind, that you’re done and the relationship is done.

He goes through the narcissist stages of a breakup:

—–Anger. Narcissists cannot fathom the idea of someone NOT wanting to be with them. Their thought process goes a little like this: “What are you talking about? YOUR raggedy ass is dumping THEM?! Nah, no way. They can have anyone they want, but they CHOSE you and you slap them in the face by breaking up with them? You’re crazy, and you will definitely regret this because you will NEVER find another person to treat you the way they did. Good luck ashy.”

—–Remorse. Now narcissists aren’t complete demons. Underneath all the illusions of grandiose self-images, they are actually great people. Besides they were able to sweep you off your feet before, they can do it again right? The thought process goes a little like this: “So I’ve thought about what happened and the things you said and you MAY have been on to something. Let’s work it out, I’ll do better. Or you can just walk out on me and leave me like everyone else, it’s up to you. But I really just need someone to stick around for once. I still want to be with you.”

—–Acceptance/Hunt for New Source. Narcissists will move on (kind of) and set their sights on another empath to give them the emotional fulfillment they so desperately need. This new target will be swept off of her feet as well. And you? The empath? Oh you will be brushed off and dismissed as the crazy ex, no worries sis, you’re good. The coast is clear (not really).

You won’t hear from your narcissist boo again. The only time you’ll know they exist is when they ask mutual friends about you or incessantly make their way to your social media (often times creating fake accounts because their ego can not take them letting you know that they care to see what you’re doing) in hopes to see you doing bad without them. The empath however, leaves this situation a little more protective of their heart and hopefully smarter about choices they make in the future. LEARN FROM THIS! (I said that in my Tyra Banks voice).

I, unfortunately, have dealt with a few people who fit this description. And honestly it is so widespread that we just write it off as that person being terrible, when that isn’t the case. As I stated before, narcissism is a mental illness, and must be treated as such. Counseling, therapy, and self reflection/discovery are all great ways to start addressing it. But empaths, you HAVE to realize that YOU cannot fix this. Yes sis, I know, you love deeply and your love can “change” people. But in this case, the narcissist has to fix themselves. You can love them from afar, but trying to fix them is like trying to put a shattered mirror back together, you’re bound to hurt yourself in the process.

Are you an empath or a narcissist? No judgment. But if you recognized yourself as either while reading this, perhaps it’s time to do a little self-work. Let’s work on healing ourselves rather than healing others, or looking for a healer in others.

Posted on by roniscales · 2 Comments

What About Your Friends?

I just feel like..my friends, my friends, are better than your friends.

Date: August 16th, Time: 3ish in the morning, Location: Undisclosed hospital in Houston.

I woke up in a foreign bed. I was in a room with ugly but clean tan walls, a television the size of a shoe box on the wall, and weird machines making beeping noises connected to me by tubes. I was in the hospital. A place I haven’t been a stranger to for a lot of 2018. Literally since the first day of this year I’ve been in and out of the hospital for health issues, but this time was different. The other times I had driven myself, or had someone else drive me to the hospital. I was up, awake, conscious, aware of everything going on. This time I couldn’t tell you how I got there, how long I had been there, or what exactly was going on. After I was fully awake and completely brought up to date on what happened, the disbelief set in. I had almost died. The details are personal, but nevertheless, I almost lost my life in the wee hours of the night in that hospital bed.

I came home the following morning, partially upset and embarrassed because honestly my near death experience could have been avoided. I am super critical of myself so naturally I blamed myself. I wanted to shut myself out from everyone until…well I didn’t know what I was waiting for exactly, but I knew I wasn’t ready to face everything. Initially I decided to keep everything that happened between those 4 walls between myself and whoever else was there that night, but that excluded a giant part of myself…my core group of friends. I couldn’t go about my life faking it until I made it with these women. There is no faking it. They know me. They can sense when something is off, don’t ask me how, they just can. You know how you were little and you broke something in the house while your mom was at work but she already knew before you even told her? Yeah, my friends have that same super power. It gets annoying. [eye roll].

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My friends. Wow. Where do I start? These crazy women. For starters, most of us met in 6th grade in Houston, Texas. But now, as late 20-somethings, we are scattered across the map literally from one coast to the other. I casually typed into the group chat what happened and rolled over attempting to start my hibernation from the world (dramatic much Roni?) I woke up a few hours later to my phone blowing up. Not anything out of the ordinary. Of course any good friend would check up on their buddy after they get out of the hospital. I responded sporadically, when I felt like it. Remember I was determined to tackle this by myself, I’m a strong, independent woman, and I didn’t need no…friends? Yes that felt ridiculous typing out so I know it was ridiculous to read. lol Back to me being superwoman.

I was straight up ignoring most of them. I wasn’t ready to talk. Very water sign-like behavior. I finally caved in and answered the phone, giving just enough information to keep the savages off my back. Shortly after, I got a text from one of these lovely ladies advising me to let her know when I was ready for company because she was waiting at my door. I looked at my phone in disbelief, like no this girl did not just invite herself over to MY place. My cocoon. My safe place where I would be spending the rest of an undetermined amount of time. So I go to my door, open it, and she just comes waltzing in. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, 5 more friends piled in after her. Turns out, my friends got into formation from California to New York and had the Texas squad pull up on me. THE NERVE!

I played it cool for as long as I could but as soon as the first one hugged me, I completely lost it. I think we must have back and forth hugged while I cried for at least 5 minutes straight. My bulletproof armor fell all the way off and I was just the vulnerable, awkward, skinny 11 year old girl they met  in the 6th grade. SIXTH GRADE! Not many people can say they have 1 of 2 friends from childhood, let alone 14. 14 women who would literally drop everything they’re doing to check on little old me. I can’t lie, it felt good because at the very time I had never felt more alone I was reminded that I was far from it. The entire weekend, they were there. I went to the gym, they were at the gym. I went to sleep, one was in my bed. I decided to chill and hang with my dog, they came and brought their dogs. I decided to have a movie day, they showed up with popcorn, chocolate, and enough wine to feed the southwest side of Houston, Texas. They successfully inserted themselves into every aspect of my life for about 3 days straight, before we all had to go back to being grown ups. lol

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This incident just reinforced the importance of real and true SISTERHOOD. I hate when I hear women say “I don’t hang with women, they’re too messy.” I’ve got news for you sis, I hate to break it to you but it’s you…the problem is you. Women are healers. We are divine energy. We have the power to start and end wars. We bring life into this world. We are actual magic. This world stops spinning without women. None of us would be here without…exactly, WOMEN.

And MY tribe? One of a kind. Aside from them completely dominating their respective professional fields, they are kind, giving, SELFLESS, amazing, and IRREPLACEABLE. They’ve been by my side through the good times like new careers, personal milestones, and self discovery. They’ve also been by my side through the bad times like breakups, miscarriages, and self-doubt brought on by the former. And more important than just being by my side, they never switched up on me, EVER. Do we get on each other’s GOT DAMN nerves sometimes? Absolutely. But we are honest and loyal to one another. You will never catch us speaking ill of another to someone outside of the group, and we have no problem telling each other exactly how we feel (Our GroupMe chat is proof of this LOLOLOLOL). Another H-Town queen said it best “they pray pray for me, see better things for me, want better days for me.” She also said “my friends are goals, your friends are foes.” When I tell you guys, I felt that IN MY SOUL! Actually, just go listen to the entire “Friends” song by The Carters right now. THAT’S us.

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Were they the only ones who came through for me that night, the next day, and the following weekend? No. But that’s another blog post for another time. 🙂 If you have a group of women around you, love on them. Be patient with them. As women often times we have patience with men, our careers, our kids, but then neglect our friends or never really give them their flowers. We choose other people and things over our friends, taking them for granted, assuming that they’ll always be there because that’s their job, they’re supposed to be there for me. But the truth of the matter is friends don’t HAVE to do anything for us, they’re with us because they CHOOSE to be there. We don’t pick our families (Lord, again, another blog post LOL), but we choose our friends and every day they choose us. Let’s keep each other lifted up, check on each other, LOVE EACH OTHER. Love through friendship is some of the most genuine love there is and I’m thankful every day and indebted for life to my squad.

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Posted on by roniscales

We’re Black, We Don’t Do That.

I just feel like…it’s time for my people to evolve (when it comes to certain things).

DISCLAIMER: Dear (insert any other race than black rightcheer), this is in NO way a green light for you to insert your opinion on black people and their traditions/beliefs. Like Dro told Molly, “Don’t worry about what me and my wife do!” Also, if you don’t get that reference, it is just further proof that you can sit this one out. Feel free to read and enjoy, but this one isn’t meant for you. Peace and blessings. 

Be honest…growing up in a black household or community, how many times have you heard the words “We’re black, we don’t do that”, “Uh uh that’s white people stuff”, “Girl…stop, you’re black.” Most times, I’m not going to lie, it is plain hilarious, because we’re usually referring to something like cooking with pets in the kitchen, or going to bed with your hair wet and/or unwrapped. I actually just laughed while typing that.

Other times, when we’re not talking about something so trivial, the phrases are used to speak on more serious topics such as mental health, religion, or the methods in which we raise our children. Historically, most, NOT ALL, but most black people in black communities have adopted certain traditions when it comes to these topics.

You don’t go to a psychiatrist because you aren’t “crazy”, that’s just the devil creeping in and trying to use you. You don’t take anti-depressants because you’re not depressed, you’re just sad. Instead of doing all that foolishness, we go speak to our pastor (who better be Christian because we don’t believe in all that other crazy stuff), who in turn encourages us to pray these feelings away. And if our kids come to us with feelings of uncertainty, anxiety, or sadness, we dismiss them because we aren’t raising weak children. Anxiety? Chile spell anxiety. Get over it. We’re strong, our children are strong, our family unit is strong. We survived slavery for God’s sake, we got this.

Let me start off by saying I honestly believe that black people are the strongest, most resilient, and most adaptive people on this planet, not up for debate. With that being said, even the strongest people need a break or they will burn out without a doubt. If this doesn’t apply to you, you’re perfect, super strong, and never get tired, girl (or boy) WERK. But still pay attention because your kids may deal with this. I’ve seen it in the news far too often these days, and in my current line of work unfortunately I see this in person as well. It never gets easier to see or hear. According to the Washington Post in a study conducted between 2001-2015 at a children’s hospital in Ohio, the rate of suicides for black children aged 5 to 12 exceeded that of white children of the same age. The rates for black children are basically double that of white children. 5 years old. Someone’s baby. Now even though suicide amongst children THAT young is rare, the fact that it’s happening at all is alarming.

Sometimes I discuss current events with my grandmother, a 70-something sweet lady who grew up in Lake Charles, Louisiana. I will hurt anybody behind this lady. She was one of the first black students to integrate McNeese State University in the 60’s and frankly, she’s seen a lot in her lifetime. But anytime the discussion leads to death, suicide, or black people taking their own lives, before you can get the full sentence out she’s saying “Oh no baby they didn’t kill themselves, someone killed them.” I don’t blame her, she has probably seen so many staged suicides that were in fact murders growing up in south Louisiana, I can’t even begin to imagine.

But sometimes, unfortunately black people DO take their own lives for their own reasons. Whether it’s our babies, our adolescents, our teens, our adults, our middle aged kings and queens, and even our senior kings and queens, it’s happening. It’s high time that we stop ignoring what is taking place right in our faces and begin to digest and do something about this trend. I understand society can be seen as soft, and you don’t have to be a pushover by any means, but give people a break sometimes. Life is real out here for everybody, and just because you yourself have never experienced or understand half of the perils your peers have, isn’t an excuse to dismiss or invalidate them. Or perhaps you have experienced a lot, keep in mind that we are all individuals and process things differently.

Be kind, be considerate. Check on somebody you care about today. Hell, have a talk with yourself in the mirror like Issa and make sure you’re good. We don’t want to turn around and lose a friend, loved one, or even ourselves, because we were too ignorant to realize what was going on.

What are your thoughts?

Posted on by roniscales · 2 Comments

Secure Your Sanity, Sis.

I just feel like…dis tew much.

Is it just me? Or is this adulting stuff just entirely too much at times.

So I recently had a life experience which caused me to shift my perspective and think of everything in “the bigger picture.” Thinking of the bigger picture used to be reassuring for someone like me who often sacrificed instant gratification for the thought of some big reward that would inevitably come later. But the problem with ALWAYS looking at the bigger picture is that I would tend to neglect my current emotions and well-being thinking that I’l be alright eventually, I’ll be ok later, it will all work out in the end.

But I found myself getting overwhelmed and asking myself, when is later? When is eventually? Where is the end? Everything catches up to you. Stuff piles up, problems pile up, and stress piles up. I was neglecting myself so engrossed in the end result. I was so busy focused on the finish line, I didn’t even look down to see that my shoelaces were untied. I was slowly chipping away at my own sanity because I was looking for this magical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. LOL. Sis, imagine driving that car, you know which one I’m talking about, that point A to point B car. The engine light is on, brakes barely holding on, as soon as you change one headlight, the other one goes out, tail lights stay off, when you press the horn the windshield wipers activate, and you stay with quarters in the car because you can guarantee that you will have to stop and put air in the tires at some point during the day. Its me, sis, EYE was that car. Just broke af. But it didn’t matter because I was still getting from point A to point B. But anyone who has ever had an A to B car KNOWS, that eventually you come to a point where you have to decide whether you’re going to continue spending more money on a car than its worth, or upgrade to the whip that you deserve. But upgrading to that whip comes with sacrifices of its own. A new car means a new car note and more expensive car insurance. But ultimately, it’s so worth it. Because not only can you stop the constant maintenance, let’s be honest, you look so much better than you did in that hoopty, ok? But still, I was determined to make it work in my A to B car, because at the end of the day I convinced myself that I didn’t have the time, money, or resources to get a new car. Besides, it was all good because “I knew my car!” So I was riding down the street, very carefully, as to not shake up my jalopy too much. Girl…I hit a pot hole. All the lights came on on my dash, car started shaking, and I knew I had to pull over or else I would definitely be in trouble. Anyways, where did that pot hole come from? I know these streets, every bump and dip, and I know how to maneuver them as to not get hurt-…I mean, as to not damage my hoopty.

For me, a new car was literally a life or death situation. My little Geo Metro was about to blow up. Needless to say, I got the new car. Am I completely financially ready for the new car, not exactly…but girl, I was NOT about to die in the hoopty. I’m making it work.

So while I’m cruising in my new car, I’ve decided to take a new approach to life and the crap that is bound to come with it. I’m still looking at the bigger picture, but I’m also taking a closer look at the SMALLER PICTURE. I will take better care of this car so I won’t have to deal with bigger problems later on. I won’t push my car past the mileage amount suggested to get an oil change (don’t judge, we’ve all done it lol). I will focus on the day to day versus the end result. I will focus on what I can accomplish in a day, in a week, maybe in a month, but the verdict is still out on planning THAT far ahead lol. But wherever my focus is, I won’t ever lose sight of myself in that picture. I can’t ever reach my goal, whatever that goal may be, if my shoes are untied.